So Close
by GilliganKane
Summary: I had been so close to her. And yet, when I needed to, I couldn't say the right things. And when I said them, I said them at the wrong time. BrookePeyton


I sat inside the room I used to share with the one person that meant the most to me. The roof was pounding against the windows, a hard, pulsing beat. It reminded me of one time where we had been so freaked by a storm that we hid under the covers for two days, only coming out to go the bathroom or grab a bite to eat.

But now, I just felt lonely. I felt empty; dead inside.

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me**

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks, kind of like the rain rolling down my windowpane. I knew there was no shame in crying, but if she was here now, she'd probably laugh a little and giver me a giant hug. Then she'd tell me to get up, get dressed and get over it.

They'd probably go out and party, if she was here. But the only thing left was my tears.

**I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out**

**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me**

I knew that her leaving wasn't the worst thing ever. Who the hell was I kidding? It was the worst thing next to…spending an eternity listening to country music. But there was something else that hurt me more.

Something I had denied feeling. Something I had pushed aside, not wanting to believe it.

It hurt so much worse.

**There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me**

I hadn't said the right things the first time she walked out my door, furious after what I had done with Lucas. I didn't open my mouth when she slapped me across the face and said all those horrible things to me.

All I managed to squeak out was that she should stay. I never once said why she should stay, just that she should. I told her that I needed her, sure. And I was definitely sorry. But I didn't say what I should have.

Instead, I watched her walk out the door.

**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

If only I had done something different, said the right words, done the right things. Then everything would be better. Everything would be perfect. She would know everything. They'd all know.

Now, they'll never know.

**And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

In the morning, the storm had passed and school was waiting for her. I walked in, aware that everyone's eyes were on me. I could feel them boring into me, watching my every move.

I felt uncomfortable around them.

I felt like they knew, they all knew. Even he knew. But I kept my eyes to the ground. It hurt too much to look at them, knowing that they pitied me.

They all tried to be sympathetic, but they were bad at it. Downright horrible in fact. The awkward pats on the back were annoying. The hushed whispering, as if I would break. It was horrible.

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone**

But the hardest thing in the world is getting up each morning and not seeing her at the foot of my dead; in the bathroom, hogging all the hot water; eating all my cereal.

It's hard to get dressed and look at her closet knowing she'll never wear those clothes again.

That's the hardest thing: knowing that if I had said just one thing, everything might have been different. Any one of those routine mornings, I had all the time in the world. But I kept my mouth shut.

**Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**

What was wrong with me? Am I that dumb? I'm usually good with words. She told me that once, when she messed things up with him. She asked me to talk to him, because I would know what to say. And usually, I knew exactly what to say.

But now, I didn't.

**What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

I kept wishing she would turn around. Just once glance back. Then, I could chase her, run after her, and stop her.

I wanted to tell her everything.

**And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**

But I would never get the chance to tell her. Because when the car came out of nowhere just as she turned to look back at me, the one thing I wanted her to do, she never saw it. I saw it. I screamed it. But the wrong words came out of my mouth, again.

Instead of saying: "Watch out!" or "Brooke, move!"

**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do**

I shouted "I Love You."


End file.
